Sometimes I feel like the poster child for impostor syndrome. Maybe that’s why I haven’t written anything in a while. The truth is that for the last several months I have felt like I’m way behind the curve and just totally unproductive.
A few weeks ago I passed a the test that makes me a PhD candidate. I should be relieved with this behind me, and I am. But that gnawing toxic feeling that I don’t belong here has stuck around, like the elephant in the room of my exam screaming at the board of professors asking me questions and taking notes, “HA! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY LET THIS GIRL PASS?!” It creeps up on me every so often and weighs like a heavy guilt. And I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time here.
When I was in my first year I hit some rough lows, wondering how I could possibly fit in among my peers. Somehow even though I didn’t feel as smart or productive as my classmates I still passed all my classes and no one tried to kick me out. Getting through that first year taught me that the lows might be inevitable, but they pass.
So now I’m a PhD candidate. I am hoping to break through this feeling soon and start thinking about more interesting things.